Setting & Keeping Boundaries
...not walls
The mood:
Ever create a boundary and find other people (or yourself!!) crossing it like a super casual stroll across the street, NBD (but big consequences)?
Or maybe just blatantly ignoring all of the traffic signs?
Yeah? So, now what?
STEP 1
A good place to start is exploring why you wanted a boundary in the first place. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
What are you wanting less or more of?
What does this boundary help to provide?
Why is this boundary important?
Who does it involve?
What would it require of you or others?
STEP 2
The next step is exploring if your “boundary” is actually a “boundary” and set it.
Many times we confuse a boundary with a wall, which can be super tricky and set you up for an outcome you didn’t want.
My definition of “boundary” is: The distance necessary to safely and respectfully coexist (with a person/thing/etc) with honor and love.
Boundaries are one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself - true acts of self-love and self-care. They are for you and can be as permanent or impermanent as you like. They allow you to operate from a place of choice and alignment with what you need and want. They increase your emotional intelligence and let you practice getting comfortable with discomfort.
*Fun fact: Boundaries don’t need to be communicated, if you don’t want to (although in certain circumstances, I think it’s really healthy to share)
Boundaries can be applied to so many things, but here are a few examples:
Phones/Tech/Social Media
Relationships/People
Vices or Numbing Agents (like alcohol, impulse shopping, food etc)
Work
STEP 3
Gut check that your boundary isn’t actually a wall. It can be so easy to confuse the two.
Remember, a boundary facilitates healthy, happy coexistence.
My definition of a wall is: A wall is defense mechanism aimed to protect yourself from pain and/or vulnerability, allows detachment and/or avoidance and inhibits authenticity.
Here’s an example of the difference:
Wall: “My parents are nuts and I’m tired of playing the exhausting role of the family therapist. I’m not going to answer the phone when they call anymore.”
Boundary: “I will limit talking to my parents on the phone to once per week and I will let them know which topics are on the table. This will allow me to have some personal and emotional recovery time between conversations.”
STEP 4
Follow Steps 1-3 and then consider the consequence of crossing a boundary and how you’ll deal with it.
Remember, boundaries are for YOU.
If you cross your own boundary, that self-abandonment can lead to a lot of discomfort and feelings. I’d suggest getting curious about what happened and why and revisit the steps above.
If someone crosses a boundary that you have set, especially if it has been communicated, I’d suggest letting them know how that crossed boundary has affected you. I’d also encourage doing this when you can speak from a regulated state. If necessary, a respectful ultimatum could be warranted. At the end of the day, this is about honoring yourself, so you get to choose what does and doesn’t jeopardize that.
Simply put, boundaries are the shit.
They help you to make confident, empowered decisions, practice will-power, constraint and follow-through, increase your confidence, get in touch with your needs and wants, reduce self-abandonment by reducing people-pleasing, prioritize yourself, fear and worry less, get comfortable with your own (and other peoples’) discomfort, and act in allegiance with your values.
Experimenting with boundary setting can be challenging without support. I help my clients master the art of setting boundaries with ease, success and actual excitement and joy. Yep! Excitement and joy because stepping into your power and honoring you can feel pretty freakin’ amazing once you get used to it.
Schedule a free consult call with me and let’s get your healthy coexistence on.
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